Where has my since of drive and accomplishment gone? I guess with working on my house I have lost track of and have completely disregarded some of my regular disciplines. Pathetic, I know.

I am currently reading To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller. It by far has been one of the most moving books that I have read in awhile. And not the kind of moving that makes you hurt for someone but rather the kind of moving that stops you in your tracks and totally relates to what the writer is saying.

I have been a fan of Donald Miller’s since his book, Blue Like Jazz. His most recent release, To Own a Dragon, was something that I was hesitant to pick up. I mean after all it’s subtitle is: Reflections on Growing Up Without A Father, and I don’t really fall into that catagory perse. However, my father was not around when my brother and I were younger. Yeah, we got to see him every other weekend and over holidays but he wasn’t there, there! We had numerous events, plays, concerts, award cermonies, etc, that dad just wasn’t there for. My brother and I spent numerous weekends at my grandparents when we were supposed to be with dad because of his work schedule and numerous other reasons. And becuase of this, I didn’t really know what a dad was supposed to be like. I didn’t know what it meant to have a dad around. I didn’t know what having a dad that yearned to be with his kids, to play with his kids, to be a kid with his kids was like.

It wasn’t until collge however, that I realized what a dad was supposed to be like. I accepted Christ my freshman year at The University of Texas at Austin and joined a Christian fraternity (Brothers Under Christ) shortly there after. It was there that I saw fathers with their sons at our father/son spades tournaments, our parents weekend events, and even travleing home with other fraternity friends, that I saw the love that grown men, dads, had for their kids. Don’t get me wrong, my father loves me, he always has. I just didn’t feel like my father was around much when were kids, when were doing the most growing up, the important and usually akward times in our lives.

Donald’s book has touched my heart and still is. Both good and bad. I totally relate with so much of what he has to say. He uses humor but is completely candid about the way he shares his feelings and thoughts about not having a dad. It has brought up a lot of hard issues for me recently. I have even had to put the book down a few times. Not just to take it all in, but to take a minute to… well you know, get the dust out of my eye…

In Chapter 2 Donald writes this interesting statment that I keep going back to:

It makes you wonder if just having a dad around – just his being there reading the morning paper and smoking cigars at poker with his friends and having him read you a story at night – you were supposed to understand something, some idea God in heaven wanted to offer as a gift. Lately, I have been curious about what that something is, and whether or not a person could understand it even if his fater took off.

I’m not sure why I keep coming back to this paragraph. I guess in part because as a Christian man, I want to raise my family in a way that my father did not. In a way that Christ has called us too. Not having been brought up in a Christian home, perhaps there was some gift I missed, yet saw a glimse of that gift with the fathers of my fraternity friends. Perhaps is simply because I don’t remember my father reading to me and my brother.

Needless to say, Donald Miller’s book has taken and is taking me to places that I have kept hidden for so many years. It is allowing me to open up wounds that I thought were healed, but merely covered with a bandage for a long time. It has even allowed me to open up thoughts and memories I have NEVER thought about until reading this book. If you had a split family, or no dad around when you were growing up, I recommend this book to anyone.

And thus I plunge ahead.